Dealing with Grown-Up Children: It’s Okay if YOU Don’t Love Them – Part 3

Hey, Girl!

Did YOU know it’s okay if you don’t LOVE them.  This week I want to put a little bug in your ear about the word LOVE  when it comes to your partner’s adult children.  I have heard many people say that if you LOVE the man then you need to love the children.  You can just imagine how many times I gave them a side eye.  So, with that being said… I want to give you a bit of the World According to Allenia (WATA).

WATA:  This is just my opinion nor do I believe that every ones situation is the same, however, take from this what you choose and leave the other stuff alone.                                          – Allenia Renee

Girl friend, we all have been or are in the place of…  I have this man in my life who I enjoy spending time with, he looks good, he has a great personality, he treats me well; and he even smells good.  BUT… he has grown children.  So, now you need to evaluate if this whole package is what you can and want to deal with.  Trust me don’t think that your stuff is so good  he hasn’t or isn’t asking himself the same question.  Then after months of dating and some other good stuff… you make the decision to stay and see where this will lead y ‘all,

Now,  you’re either in a committed relationship or married and are dealing with his BUT.  Depending on your situation you may be considered to be the other woman because he had an affair, you may be the same or close in age to his children, you could be a distraction; or you may be, in their opinion, a worthy companion for their father.  No matter the label… if YOU LOVE their father you should feel something for his children, BUT it doesn’t have to be LOVE.

Sure, you do have to care about them and support them whenever you can, but you don’t have to LOVE them as if they were your own children.  If you do love them, then that’s a wonderful thing.  But, if LOVE doesn’t come naturally to you it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Dealing with my Fella’s adult children and he dealing with my daughter…looks different for each one.  The foundation we have established is that we care, advise, encourage. and support all of them as they need us.  Since, his daughter lives close to us I’m able to spend more time with her and my daughter is able to spend more time with him.  So our relationships are steadily getting closer.  His son on the other hand is stationed in Hawaii, so I haven’t been around him as much.  But, I take the time when we are together to spark up  conversations with him while his father isn’t around.  This allows him to  get comfortable with me in his own way.

See, I  never looked for his children to like me, because I believe that respect is more sustainable.  Therefore, I rather have respect instead.  However, them liking me is defiantly a welcome bonus in my book.  At this point, ask yourself the following question.

Do you want to be liked or respected because remember you don’t have to love them?

7 WAYS TO CARE ABOUT GROWN-UP CHILDREN

1. Be honest with yourself.  If you don’t want to be in a relationship with this man, because he has adult children, then don’t.  However, if you decide to stay be honest with yourself that you are not their mother & you may not be able to every be their friend.
2. Don’t judge them.  Adult children have feelings too and express them differently than you.  If you want to keep peace in your home you may need to discuses the  expectations of your home with your partner or husband.  Being on one accord is your goal.
3. Don’t expect that your relationship with them will be better than the one they have with their father.  If he doesn’t have a relationship with his adult children then you will not be able to truly establish one with them.  However, if they are close with their father you will need to be open and flexible with routines they have currently have established.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t develop new traditions or routines.  It just means that by respecting what they currently do, they will included you & you still will be able to bring something new to the table.
4. Don’t tell him what to do or not do for his children when it is not affecting your home.  Again, their relationship was molded way before you.  YOU will frustrate yourself getting in between them.  Just be their for your partner or husband.  Be honest when or if he asks your advice on the matter. DON’T check-out and say, “Their not my children.” This will bring an unnecessary divide between the two of you.
5. Be there for them if they need you.  They may not ask much of you but whatever you can do then DO IT!
6. Champion their case.  They have life events that you may be a part of, so be present and enthusiastic.  They can never have too many cheerleaders.
7. Be truthful with them.  If they ask you how you feel about something, do not sugar coat it, just be honest.  They are adults and  will respect you for being truthful.

They will never love you like they love their bio-mother, so don’t expect them too.  Instead expect the same respect you give them & allow everything else time to develop.