Hey, Girl!
You’re not the mother nor their friend. So, then who are you to his adult children? Yup, I said it. No need to turn your face all up about it. But, let’s be honest. Getting into a late in life relationship brings on different blended family dynamics. Therefore, in the month of March, I will deal with blended families with grown-up or you may call them adult children. This series will give you some insight as to how I manage dealing with our adult children.
Blended family life doesn’t always end when the kids turn 18. Sometimes it’s just beginning.
When we think about blended families, we generally picture a couple with… one or more elementary school children and perhaps to really spice things up a teenager may be thrown into the mix… just to keep things interesting. But, I can attest that it doesn’t look like this in my blended family. I have been the adult child who had to deal with her very vibrant mother’s new relationship several years after my father had passed away. Y ‘all…my brother and I had some major adjusting to do.
And, now the table has turned and my Fella and I have a 31 year old police officer, a 21 year old soldier in the United States Army who is currently stationed in Hawaii, and an 18 year old first year college student. This is what our new normal looks like.
A blended family takes the shape of the relationship. See this new family dynamic is occurring because we are living longer, we are staying socially connected. I guess when you really think about it we are even working after retirement. And that means, these new relationships we form are coming with children that may or may not live at home, have already formed their own habits, and who have established a relationship with their father that is either involved or estranged.
Ladies, although the children are adults you still may have some challenges that look similar for grown and younger children. For instance, you still don’t want to meet his children early in the relationship. Wait until you both are committed to this new relationship. The adult children could feel angry or uncomfortable about overt signs of affection such as embracing or flirting in front of them. And, the big one is coping with parental pressure of developing a close relationship with this woman who is not their mother.
But there are some blended family challenges that look very unique from the adult child’s perspective
While the burden is on the stepparent, partner and parents to help a younger child adjust to blended family life. On the other end of the spectrum an adult child is capable of, and can rightfully be expected to, contribute to working out reciprocal relationships. So, with all of that being said, ladies you really need to know who you are starting a new relationship with. YOU… can tell what type of relationship a man has with his children before you commit to him. And, just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about. Here are a few questions I asked myself during the early part of dating my Fella. It helped me get a clear perspective as to how I should govern myself with his two children. I am not their mother, but I clearly know that I can be me…a supporter, a listening ear, an advisor, and someone who truly cares, loves & respects their father.
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
- How soon were you introduced to his children?
- Are the children estranged?
- Do they just call for money?
- Do they celebrate Father’s Day, his Birthday & a holiday with him?
- What is his thoughts on being involved in his adult children’s lives?
- If being involved is important is he?
- Would his home welcome them back if they needed a little time to get themselves together?
Now, at this point. What do you think you are going to be to them?
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